MASK crusaders, working all the time, fighting crime, fighting crime... INEFFICIENTLY!

Tuesday 11th March, 2008 (David G)

Think about late 80’s TV long enough and you are likely to remember MASK. MASK was a cartoon from a popular line of transforming toys. Essentially one vehicle would change into another. Now let’s not dwell on the atrocious spelling that this taught children (We must remember that MASK stood for Mobile Armored Strike Kommand) and it’s overuse of adjectives to the point of redundancy (They fought against the criminal network VENOM which stood for Vicious Evil Network of Mayhem). No, dyslexia aside, there was something that always irritated me about this particular show.

Let us begin with MASK leader Matt Trakker’s vehicles of choice. His main ride was a Red Camero called Thunderhawk whose gull-wing doors rose up to become the wings of an attack aircraft.

Dwell on that a minute. One moment you are driving a car, maybe to the shops to get some Mask polish, when all of a sudden the vicious AND evil Miles Mayhem turns up in Switchblade, a helicopter that turns into a jet plane. You quickly transform Thunderhawk into its attack fighter mode (by apparently opening the doors) and shot off into action.

First of all, when was the last time you saw the RAF flying around in jet fighters with the mother-chuffing doors open. What sort of bumblef**k aeronautical engineer came up with that plan? How the hell did he sell it to the design board? Reinforced seatbelts? Within moments your car is full of flying debris, your mask polish has fallen out and your Camero’s grill is dented with bird-strike.

As if that wasn’t bad enough, exactly how fast and far can this thing go? It’s a bloody car! Unless you have found an Esso garage that does aviation fuel, you’re going to be in the air for about 30 seconds of windy panic before your “jet fighter” is dry and plummeting towards the ground. It can’t be that aerodynamic, the wings would have insufficient area to promote lift unless you were going like that clappers and let’s not forget you only just came out of the McDonald’s drive through!

I dread to think what insurance group that is.

The point being this: If you’re going to build a car, build a car. If you’re going to build a plane, build a plane. What enormous cost did Mr Trakker have to pay for the privilege of a vehicle that would have the aerodynamics of Fern Britton and the road speed of.. well... Fern Britton? I’m not surprised they are, as the theme tune tells us, “Working all the time, fighting crime, fighting crime!” I just did a management training course and the time management section clearly stated that anyone who works excessively is not utilizing their time efficiently. I won’t even touch the budgetary waste involved in such a useless endeavor.

Even their masks were largely rubbish. Let’s pick on Matt Trakker again. His mask “Spectrum” has the ability to create a deafening sound wave that would disable his enemies. Think about it! It’s a device that creates an ear splitting cacophony and HE’S WEARING IT ON HIS HEAD!! Either the damn thing is sound proofed so he can’t hear anything, ever! Or every time he uses it he suffers massive damage to his auditory organs.

Suffice to say, perhaps these people really haven’t thought this crime-fighting strategy through. Would their funding not be more wisely spent on increased police patrols or perhaps MASK aversion therapy for troubled youths who want to be the next Miles Mayhem? Check where your Council tax money is being spent. If they blew more than 50% of their budget on headgear I suggest you move to another distract.

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Look what the cat dragged in

Tuesday 4th March, 2008 (David G)

Well, well, well. Look who's come back. What's the matter? Facebook not good enough for you? Your little affair's turned sour, has it?

Facebook came along with all it's little applications and networking and you thought "Oooh! How pretty!" and it whisked you away on a year long whirlwind romance. What time you had together! You spent so much time playing around with the "Where in the world have you been?" application and virally determined which of your friends were hotties.

Oh, the friends you made! Facebook was such a social butterfly, introducing you to so many new people. Suddenly that girl in accounts was your "friend". Every time you added someone new it validated you as a person. You might have spent the last three nights sitting around in your pants, eating pizza and watching reruns of "Location, location, location" but your friends list was in triple figures. You were still in the game.

Yes, it was perfect. Your Superwall was full of motivational phrases and pictures of kittens and thus it reflected the giddy fullness of your heart.

But then something changed.

You didn't notice it straight away. It was little things. Perhaps you got an email saying that someone had sent a message but you didn't check it straight away. Perhaps you met a new person but you didn't look them up on FB straight away.

The first cracks had appeared.

Now it's weeks later. You haven't been on your account in days. Your list of applications other people have suggested is three pages long. A Facebook email appears in your inbox and you just delete it. You suddenly realise what was missing all along. You go into your favourites list. It's messy, you haven’t cleaned it out in a while, and there, two thirds of the way down is an name. A name you thought you'd never click on again.

Well, you're back! Like a wet cat who's come out of the social networking rain. And you expect me to be waiting here with open arms, do you? You expect me to take you back without a second thought. Well, perhaps it's too late. Perhaps I've found someone else. Perhaps you should just go.

Go on. Run back to your Facebook and see if they've started writing witty posts several times a week for you to enjoy. Go on.

We're through.

No wait. Don't go. You can stay for a bit. I'll try and remember to update the site more often. I'll even do some cartoons. Please don't go back to Facebook. It's been lonely here. I'll try harder.

Please! Just give me another chance. I can change. I can be more like Facebook. How about this:

DAVID GILBERT has recommended the KITTENS AND PUPPIES application. Click here to install it.

That was good, wasn't it? Didn't it give you a thrill? Please don't leave me again. I couldn't take it. PLEAAAASE!

Next post: "My thoughts on nurse pornography" by David Gilbert

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When buffalo attack

Thursday 9th August, 2007 (David G)

Great youtube video. Well worth watching.

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Areyougoingtoarchivethat?

For a full archive go here.

Enjoy.